Allowing Emotions

I find it interesting that I don't write without pain. It's one of the only outlets I know to allow myself. So I suppose it's good that I haven't felt the urge to write in a while. But if I wrote more in the interim it would allay the pent of feelings that build up to create the pain that is generally much deeper than I realize. So many little things can add up to such big pain. So how does one access it all? How does one know how to pinpoint all the little aches that add up to a throb?

In so many ways I feel I deal (or don't deal) with rejection. It could be in a small form or on a large scale. It's one of my biggest hurts. It amazes me that we walk around blindless to how our lives are interwoven and affect each other. I've continually been shocked at how through my parents' divorce the one who did the leaving can't understand the hurt that's been caused to the rest of us.

Rom 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." This verse has taken on new meaning to me over the last few weeks. It seems so many in my life have suffered deep loss - my parents divorce, the sudden loss of my sister-in-law's mother, a friend's father. It has caused old fears to rise up within me. But this time I've realized more what they are. It's not so much that I'm afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of the pain my own death would cause and I'm afraid of the pain the death of my loved ones would cause me. I feel I would just crumble and fade. But through this pain God is showing me how much I LONG for Him! Oh how I long to be with Him! Oh how I long to be free from the pain of this world!