Endurance Training

I hate it when emotions hit you all at once. I thought that the name of my blog, "Pressing On", had in a way, ended its term for me. Despite the incredibly hard time that our families continue to endure, things have been going really well for me, or at least I thought. But it's crazy when God answers your prayers, and it's nothing like you thought it would be.

About two years ago, I started praying that the Lord help enable me to feel more. I was tired of the numbness - not feeling pain or hurt or happiness. But now I'm beginning to see how deeply He is enabling me to feel ... and I don't like it. I started this realization a couple weeks ago. It happened when I was really down one night. I felt like I had gotten hit on all sides, just plain beat up. But all of a sudden I realized I didn't go into default angry mode, my modus operandi. I usually just get mad, really fast, and really heated, and I throw a lot of words around that I usually regret. But this time that didn't happen. I was just really sad. I was hurting. God was answering my prayers and allowing me to feel pain, and I didn't like it.

Then this week I got hit twice. First my best friend and my brother-in-law (who I'm quite fond of) broke up. And I have to witness the deep pain of both. Then two days ago my adorable little dog (who was the cause of me starting to write this blog a few months ago) suddenly died. On top of everything with our families and the uncertainty of the economy and the elections, I really started to feel it today. I all of a sudden became aware of the overwhelming emotions I was experiencing. And I sobbed and sobbed. I mean, hello God! When I was praying to feel more, I wanted to feel more happiness and joy, not pain. But you can't have one without the other.

In the midst of the pain, there's God. I could feel His arms around me tonight: in the presence of my husband praying, in my best friend's hand on my shoulder, in the hugs from others, and in His loving revelations. Because He revealed Himself to me in two big ways tonight. The first being in the meaning of Jehovah - "the One who is always present." What comfort! It brings such meaning to my life as a follower of Him! I've heard the scripture referring to how He is always with us since I was a kid, but to know that's what His name means brought special significance to me tonight.

The second way was through a study on endurance. At church tonight, we were reading Hebrews 12 and studying faith. In the words of our pastor, "Faith is not believing that the impossible can become possible. Faith is trusting in the One who can make the impossible possible." But faith is a product of endurance - walking with Christ through the pain in our lives, getting to know Him, developing that relationship with Him, and as a result learning to trust Him. I would often times get frustrated at what I felt was a lack of faith I had. And tonight it became so evident to me. How can I expect faith to just be there, when I haven't invested the time in getting to know God more! Just like the example our pastor used, how can we run a marathon if we haven't run a mile. Wow!

I'm so thankful for God's loving embrace during painful times. I certainly don't enjoy the pain. But I've realized that the last few years of my life have certainly been a test of endurance. I've hung onto Christ and have grown through these times. I've learned so much about myself and so much more about Him than I knew was possible. I wish that the pain would just go away. But I know just like the burning of a marathon run, I have to push on. I have to push past the pain, not allowing myself to quit in order for the pain to go away. I have to continue forward, embracing the pain, trusting that at the end of it I will be able to look back and see what it has produced. There will be growth and spiritual maturity. There will be me, who with all my imperfections and faults, does indeed look more like Christ. But more importantly, there will be a deeper relationship and a greater revelation of Him who is above all things. And that is something to strive for!

God's Amazing Kindness

I started me new Beth Moore Bible Study today. It's the one on a woman's heart that studies the tabernacle. At the beginning we go over the history of man before the tabernacle was built. I have to admit, I wasn't super excited about studying the tabernacle. It actually sounded pretty boring to me. But God has already show me some incredible things.

We were suppose to read Gen. 1: 24-3:24 aloud. Since it's mostly stuff that we're probably super familiar with, reading it aloud was suppose to help us get new insight. When I got to 3:21, I was so choaked up I couldn't read aloud anymore. Adam and Eve had just chosen sin. And when God came for His customary stroll through the garden with them, they ran and hid because they were suddenly aware that they were naked. When God calls out to them, they tell Him they have sinned. God then does two things - He first tells them the consequences of their choices because there are always consequences. But the very next thing He does for them is a sheer and amazing act of kindness that blew me away. No doubt, Adam and Eve did a rush job throwing some not-so-sturdy fig leaves together for coverings. They weren't going to last and surely weren't doing a very good job of covering. So God stops, and I'm sure with a broken heart, causes an aninmal to die so that he can use their skin to cover his precious people. What amazing love! It was man that sinned, yet God was covering for them.

It must have been such an incredibly sad day in heaven. God no longer had fellowship with His creation. He could no longer walk with them through the garden and talk with them, just spending time with them. In order to rectify this, He had to again cover for us all by causing another innocent being to die - our Savior. And the thorns that were caused to grow as a by-product of Adam's fall, were the very ones used to crown Him. 

It's amazing to see the correlation between the fall and the forgiveness. God so wanted to be with us, that he would stop at no lengths and do all that was required in order to be with us forever. What an amazingly, humbling thought.

In the next chapter, God asks Cain why he is angry. He tells him that sin is waiting to overcome him, "but you must master it (Gen 4:9)." God told Cain that sin was master-able. We have the capability to NOT choose sin. But we have to CHOOSE! So in the interim, between sinfulness and eternity, He not only in amazing kindness provides for us, He also enourages us to fight for and choose our freedom. Overcoming darkness is possible! But He allows us to choose.

Allowing Pain

I'm not quite sure when it started or what caused it, but I've realized that I don't allow myself to feel emotional pain. I do everything to prevent it. I've become quite a pro at it too. My modus operandi is to just get mad. So when something happens that should hurt my feelings, instead of allowing myself to be hurt, I just get mad. I think I probably started this process of realization when my husband and I were dating. But it wasn't until a little ways into our marriage that I became aware of what I was doing. This is really quite frustrating for me. Because I now know that I literally don't know how to let myself feel pain!

This has recently blown up into realization again with a good friend of mine. Over the last few weeks I've gone from doing just about anything for her to not wanting to see or speak to her again. It's been a really rough two weeks. I know we're both to blaim, but I can only control my own emotions and reactions. And let me tell you, my flesh has wanted to RAGE! So it's been a daily struggle to imitate Christ. I pretty much dwell on it all day long and pray all day long. It's been a battle within myself, but I know that I will be victorious through this in Christ. He's lovingly showing me the things that have really been bothering me and it boils down to pain. But it's pain that I disallow myself. I literally have to dig deep to determine what it is that's causing me so much upset. And it's taken me weeks to even begin to come to the bottom of it. But I'm so thankful that God is slowly and lovingly cleaning out the dirt so that I can see the wound. So pray for me during this process. Pray for reconciliation and that we both allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in our hearts and actions and that our flesh doesn't win this battle. What a shame that would be.

My hubbie

I've recently been hurt by a friend. And last night I found myself still stewing over it. I was sitting and watching the Olympics with my husband. Eliyah had finally fallen asleep, so it was just Dave and I on the couch together. All of a sudden I said to myself, "Why am I mulling over this and dwelling on this, when I could be enjoying this precious time with my husband?!?" I get so little time with just him and I was wasting it, letting it slip away. So instead of letting myself sit there with my stomach churning, I looked at my husband, smiled, and thought one day I'm going to look back on moments like these and cherish them. So I curled up next to him, nice and close, took a whiff of his yummy cologne, and smiled again. Instead of letting myself be upset, we were able to cheer our US teams on together, getting all excited as we watched the men's 4x100 relay team come up from behind and win the gold. It was a moment to cherish! Thank you Lord for snapping my head back into focus.

Being Mom

I find myself frustrated and lately consumed with all it takes to be a wife and mother. I truly understand now why people say being a mom is a thankless job ... and I only have a six-month old! My day starts off with nursing, packing a lunch for hubbie and Bible study before I begin my four-hour work day from home. Shortly into beginning work, Eliyah wakes up and I change her diaper and nurse again. Once work is finished (which is intertwined with diaper changes and nursing), my day turns to straightening up the house, washing diapers (we cloth diaper), grocery shopping, nursing, watering plants, washing clothes, running errands, nursing, cleaning the bathroom and floors, making dinner, folding laundry, nursing, washing dishes, picking work clothes out for hubbie, putting laundry away, nursing ... and did I mention changing those diapers? Aaaaahhhh! I'm just plain worn out.

And while I've never wanted more time for myself before in my life, I feel selfish for wanting it. I just want someone to do something special for me and tell me that they notice the million and one things I do during the day. But I guess God is teaching me now to get used to it. I have at least twenty more years to go.

The crux of it is, I LOVE being a wife. And I LOVE being a mom. But it's a ton of work and I don't think I was prepared for this much work needing to be done. And there's not very much time to yourself. And there's not very many "thank you's'" given in word, gift or deed. Maybe those come later in life, when your kids can run up and give you a big hug. Or draw you pictures. Or sing you songs. Or tell you they love you. We'll hope for that.

Right now there's just exhaustion and a feeling of giving to everyone else but myself. Maybe this is God's way of teaching women to be more like Himself - selfless and abounding in love. I have a long way to go. But life is a learning process. And I need to learn to enjoy the journey .. and put a smile on my face while I go to take care of the crying baby!

Metaphors

This came from the Ransomed Heart daily devotions a friend forwarded to me ...

The Bible uses a number of metaphors to describe our relationship to God at various stages. If you’ll notice, they ascend in a stunning way: Potter and clay. At this level we are merely aware that our lives are shaped—even broken—by a powerful hand. There isn’t much communication, just the sovereignty of God at work. Shepherd and sheep. At this stage we feel provided for, watched over, cared about. But beyond that, a sheep has little by way of true intimacy with the Shepherd. They are altogether different creatures. Master and servant. Many, many believers are stuck in this stage, where they are committed to obey, but the relationship is mostly about receiving orders and instructions and carrying them out. Father and child. This is certainly more intimate than being a servant; children get the run of the house, they get to climb on Daddy’s lap. These fortunate souls understand God’s fatherly love and care for them. They feel “at home” with God. Friends. This stage actually opens up a deeper level of intimacy as we walk together with God, companions in a shared mission. We know what’s on his heart; he knows what’s on ours. There is a maturity and intimacy to the relationship. Bridegroom and bride (lovers). Here, the words of the Song of Songs could also describe our spiritual intimacy, our union and oneness with God. Madame Guyon wrote, “I love God far more than the most affectionate lover among men loves his earthly attachment.”

I'd put myself at moving between the "Father and child" to the "Friends" stage. Where are you at?

My Permission

I've been reading John recently and reading commentaries on it as I go, something I can't say I've done before. It's amazing to find all the references there are throughout the book, that I would never notice on my own.

In verse 32 of chapter 8, there is the familiar verse, "and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." I love this verse and enjoyed the reminder I read on it in the commentary that followed it up: "This is surely one of the most abused texts in the Bible, for it is often cited with no regard for either the condition attached (remaining in Jesus' teachings) or the sort of freedom in view, namely, freedom from sin (v. 34) ... To know Jesus is to be liberated from all error and evil, for it is to know God himself, who is truth and purity and life ... The freedom in view is not a freedom to do whatever we wish according to the dictates of our own fallen selves, but a freedom from our fallen selves and the power and guidance to act in accordance with God himself, the source of all goodness and life."*

To know Jesus ... what a life pursuit! This is the third time in the last week or so that truth has been set before me. How many of us make it our life's pursuit to simply know Him. Not to just know about Him ... but to strive to KNOW Him. I want that to be my life's pursuit. I pray that when my life is over people can say, "Jessica was a woman who truly desired to know Christ!"

Over the last couple of years, I've really been trying to remain open and teachable. I know there are so many areas in my life that are far from where God wants them to be. And as stubborn as I can be and as much as I want to be right all the time, I am trying to yield those fleshly tendencies to the loving truth of my Savior. I not only want to know Him, but I want to be more like Him. I want to keep my eyes open to my faults and to seek Him in giving my permission to change those things in me.

The Great Physician is diagnosing their disease, and they are not happy about it. They have put faith in Jesus (v. 30), yet they rebel as he tries to help them become true disciples. When confronted with their inner disease they should have accepted his assessment and repented. This is what each of us must do as a disciple of Jesus, for each of us has inner disease that he desires to cure and that must be cured. His diagnosis is perfect, and he knows how to heal us. He does not have to leave us waiting while he goes in the next room to consult his medical books. Nor does he lack the resources to effect our cure. He lacks nothing except our signature on the permission slip to get on with the process. Discipleship includes allowing Jesus to deal with our inner brokenness and deadness. He will not be satisfied until we come out entirely clean and whole, a fact that is part of the good news. To be a disciple one needs not only the humility to receive what Jesus reveals about himself but also the ability to receive what he reveals about oneself. He always reveals in order to redeem. The judgment the light brings is meant to lead us to salvation, not condemnation. The sin is condemned in order to reveal it as sin and lead us to repentance. If we reject the diagnosis or the cure, then the light does indeed bring condemnation, for we have chosen to remain in our state of alienation from God, who is the one source of life.*

I pray that I never reject God's revelations in my life, but rather, in humility, accept that I am fallen and far from perfect and that Christ is my only cure. God, I give you my permission.

*Commentaries taken from Bible Gateway.

Work in Progress

About a year ago, the Lord gave me a promise - that I would soar like a bird. He also told me that there were gifts and talents that He had given me that I wasn't even aware of. I was going through a really rough time, and that promise was all I had to cling to. So fast-forward to today, I'm in a job that I love that's pulling creativity out of me and allowing me to evolve into the confident person I've always wanted to be.

At the same time, He's telling me to start cultivating artistic talents He's given me. It's not something I've really allowed myself to develop. I've always labeled myself as completely un-creative and since I assumed all artists were creative, I automatically blocked myself out of that bunch. It's been a hard mental block to get myself past. But when our church decided to host their first art exhibition, God told me to start working on it again. I've been fairly impressed with what I've done ... and I've really struggled with that.

I'm not sure if it's the label of "artist" or a battle with pride. I'm certainly aware that any talent the Lord has given me is completely a gift from Him. It's all been Him working through me. But for some reason, I've struggled with feeling blue as I've worked on my two pieces for the exhibit. The only thing I can come up with is that I associate artists with a certain stigmatism. I see them as different, liberal, with dark tendencies and people that hang in weird crowds. I'm not exactly sure why I lump all artists in that group, but I just know I don't want to be included in that bunch.

So maybe I just need to redefine the term within my own mind. Maybe I'm just redefining who I am. As life changes, I seem to change quite a bit with it. From being the single version of me who was pretty certain of who I was, to being married and having to figure that out. To now being a mom and balancing this new role with that of wife. I don't think that I want to have to redefine myself once again ... at least not yet. I don't feel like I'm ready for that. However, I am quite certain that the Lord really does know what He's doing.

God, help me to be ok with me today. I know that you're working to mold me to Your image, and each day I'll be a little different than I was the day before. So I shouldn't try to settle into who I am, because I won't be that way for long.

Sweet Gifts

Don't you love it when the Lord gives you sweet, thoughtful little gifts that are just for you? Today I got a call that someone had arranged for my mother-in-law to get a free haircut and color at a salon. She moved into town recently and has been without work for the last year. One of her favorite things to do was to get her hair colored. Needless to say, she's had to give that up over the past year. When she moved down, her hair was half one color and half another. She had a job fair coming up tomorrow and was really praying that she'd be able to get her hair done before she went. When I got the call, I was so excited for her! Now I just can't wait to see it:-)

Saving Eliyah

Our usual morning routine is as follows. Eliyah wakes up around 6am to be fed. I put her into bed with us, nurse her, and fall back to sleep. Since it's her last feeding, I usually leave her in bed with us. Dave wakes up around 6:45am to get ready for work. I usually sleep till I wake up (I've gotten spoiled by working from home). When I get up, I make sure Eliyah is in the center of our bed, and I start my day. I know she generally wakes up a bit before I hear her, but I like to let her do her thing for a while (she's like her mom and takes a bit to wake up). That way when I hear her, I know she's ready to give me lots of morning smiles.

Early last week, I popped my head in to check on her (as usual) just to make sure she was ok. I saw that she was just starting to wake up, so I went out again to give her "her" time. A little while later I heard her crying (her way of telling me "her" time is up). So I went in to get her. I walk into the room ... and panic. She's not on the bed! Immediately I realize she must have fallen off, so I run around to the other side of the bed, freaking out, to find her half way under her bassinet and just smiling up at me. I look over to see a pillow next to the bed and figured she must have rolled off onto the pillow and then rolled from the pillow to the carpet. She was totally fine and just unhappy with her current state of immobility.

I call Dave so upset that she had just fallen off the bed, expecting him to be shocked by my story. Instead he calmly asks, "Did she fall onto the pillow?" My jaw fell open, "How did you know?". "Well I've been putting the pillows on both sides of the bed for the two weeks." Since Eliyah has become Ms. Roley McPoley, he was afraid one day she'd roll off. I had no clue. I told him how I thought it was odd that when I woke up, the pillows I had taken off the bed the night before had conveniently "fallen" right next to the bedside. I remember thinking, "It's so odd that I haven't tripped over them during the night." Dave again explained that he'd been putting them there before he left for work so I didn't trip over them during the night. Hmmph. Shows how awake I am in the morning!

So daddy was watching out for his little girl even when he wasn't there.

A few days later, the same morning routine ensues, except I try to check on her more often now. As I was workin, I suddenly felt the need to go check on her again. So I walk into the room to find her hanging off the bed. She had rolled herself half-way down the bed, completely perpendicular, with her head and shoulders dangling off. She was all smiles, loving her new view of the world. This time, it was my turn to save her. Thank God for little promptings!

Needless to say, no more bed-time with mommy and daddy in the morning. Sorry Eliyah, but it's straight back into the bassinet with you. That is, until you figure out how to climb out!

Joyful & Terrifying

Being a mother is a joyful and terrifying mix of emotions. On the one hand, it's an amazing experience to watch the object of your overwhelming love grow, smile, cry, look perplexed, light up, and sometimes just breath. On the other hand, I've never in my life had so many terrifying thoughts fill my brain about what could possibly happen to her or what I would do if I ever lost her. It's probably the widest array of emotions I've ever experienced.

It makes me wonder why God would choose to give us the experience of parenthood in life. Why couldn't children just grow on trees like fruit? Why choose to have us birth them, giving us such an overwhelming responsibility? I mean, we're shaping the future of this little child. Our weaknesses and frailties can cause this little person to grow up in a particular way. Or they could forever impact the way she sees and reacts to things. I mean, I could really screw this up! Each day, how I live my life is on display by watching eyes and listening ears that sink into a mental sponge. Am I filling that sponge with the things of God? Am I acting in ways that reflect God's nature to her? One of my greatest fears is seeing her inherit my sins and weaknesses because I wouldn't allow God to change my stubborn heart.

Oh God, fill up all the pot-holes in my life that expose attitudes and ways of life that are so contrary to Your own. If only to allow my daughter to have the chance of seeing You work in me and of knowing Your ways more truthfully.

Last Night

Getting up in the middle of the night to feed our baby hasn't been that hard for me. For the first four months, she slept with us and that made it really easy to feed her. Most of the time I fall right back to sleep while she nurses. Now that she's getting older (a whopping six months!) she sleeps in her bassinet beside the bed and I have to walk an entire step to get her out and put her into bed with me to nurse. She only nurses for a few minutes now and I put her back into the bassinet and fall back to sleep immediately.

The only time it's rough, is when I pick her up, and I can feel she's soaked! Then I'm just not a happy camper. Since I work from home and hubbie goes into work, I feel the responsibility to change her during the week. But come weekends, I have to refrain from smiling when I wake him up to change her. Granted this has only happened a handful of times since she was born.

Last night was one of these nights. Being a weeknight, it was my parental and spousal duty to change her myself. The crappy thing is, when you feel she's soaked, it means her jammies are soaked too. So the inevitable mental battle begins. I really don't want to have to change her diaper and her pj's. But I know if I don't change her pj's, it means she sleeps with us for the rest of the night (since I can't put her back into the bassinet without any covers in just a diaper and I really don't sleep well with her in bed with us anymore).

So I sighed, and started the journey.

She's screaming the entire time because she's hungry. All she wants is to eat and go back to sleep ... like me. But I take her into her room where I have to turn the light on ... louder screaming ensues while she wriggles all over trying to avoid the light. I get the diaper out, unbutton her jammies and start changing her diaper. Now, my eyes are just barely opened as I'm trying to avoid the light too. She's just screaming bloody murder and I'm just paying attention to the diaper.

When I look up at her face, I realize she's thrown up all over herself. And since she was on her back, it's just all over her face. At this point I feel really awful. So I get her cleaned off. Get the diaper on ... AND new jammies. I immediately put her to the breast and she instantly quiets. Ahhh ... the sound of silence.

Of course now it takes me forever to get back to sleep. But thus is the life of a mother ... it's so great!!!

What am I doing?

What am I doing with my freedom from fear? I asked myself that this morning after I finished my morning Bible Study. I had just read: "According to 2 Timothy 1:7, God does not give us a spirit of fear. Satan is the one who fuels fear in an attempt to keep people from serving God effectively."

God has recently freed me from fear. I was so weighed down with it, it was becoming hard to function. I remember praying, "God, how can I possibly be effective for You when I'm afraid of so much?!?" I haven't really thought about that prayer much until I read the above this morning. It really convicted me.

How much more effective am I being with my freedom? What am I doing with the freedom from fear God has given me? Am I being any more effective?

That's a good question.

Such a thing as time for me?

How does a woman find time for herself? You know, time to do the stuff that I really enjoy. I have a great appreciation for art. I've only taken one art class in my entire life (well two, if you count the photography class). It was my senior year in college and the first time I was able to take a class that had a three-hour block. I found out I really enjoyed it. It was a drawing class, and we pretty much learned the basics, but I found out I wasn't half bad.

So recently our church announced they were doing an art exhibit. I was really excited because I knew we had a lot of talented artists in our church. Then God woke me up at 3am one morning with several ideas for drawings. I knew, for some reason, God was telling me to pick up my pencil again. This didn't really thrill me as I hadn't done anything in years and I'm totally self conscious. The idea of putting something I've done next to people who were really good made me shrink in my boots (they're actually flip flops, but you get the idea).

I toyed around with the idea for a couple of weeks before I made up my mind to actually start something. Then it was another week before I got up the nerve to email our pastor to see if he had room for any of my drawings. This meant I was actually committed ... again TOTAL self-conscious-ville. I'm now about half-way through the first one ... a wee bit behind. I still have another piece to do and only three weeks left. But when do I have the time to work on it???

Between taking care of my six-month old, working part-time from home (it's amazing how many hours it takes to work four-hours a day), taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, showering at least a few times during the week, and that annoying time-filler called sleep ... where on earth does a woman find time to work on the things she enjoys? Somehow my husband has time to work on the things he enjoys. I'm not sure why God gave man and woman this time differential, but lately it's started to annoy me.

Suggestions anyone?!?

Personality Pegged

I just took the shortest Personality Profile. It was a total of one question ... yep, just one. But it pegged me. I was pretty shocked:

You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.

You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

It pegged my husband too:

You are happy, driven, and status conscious.
You want everyone to know how successful you are.
Very logical, you see life as a game of strategy.

A bit of a loner, you prefer to depend on yourself.
You always keep your cool and your composure.
You are a born leader and business person.

to Eliyah

As I lie here nursing you, I pray that God carves these precious moments into the stone of my memory forever. Your huge eyes looking up at me in such wonderment. Your lips forming into that slight smile. You are my favorite thing to wake up to, your eyes wide and encompassing most of your face. Your gurgles and laughs are our favorite things to hear. There is no better sound on this earth. No beautifully composed music can compare.

But at the same time, my heart breaks. You will not forever remain this innocent and pure - so untouched by the hurts of this world. How I want to wrap you up in this moment, never letting it pass us by. Never letting the pain that will inevitably enfold you dare approach. Never letting the darkness dare encroach your sunshine. Never letting your continual smile to drop into anything else but laughter. I want these moments to never end. I never want you to experience the heartbreak and darkness this world has to offer and that have almost swallowed me at times.

"Oh Lord, can't I wrap her in this exact moment to keep her protected and safe! I never want her tears to run outside nap times and meal times. I want to forever be able to whisk her up into my arms and feel her small body's warmth close to mine. I want to forever be able to wipe every tear away by my embrace. I want to forever squelch any cry by the simplicity of nursing. I want to forever be her world."

Alas, God has many things to teach you. Through the pain and darkness He will allow you to grow. My tears at the mere thought cannot stop them. But I will be here beside you through each one. I will love you and always be willing to whisk you back into my arms without a thought. You are my precious daughter. My precious gift.

"Oh Lord, be merciful and kind to her. Into Your hands we commit her."

But this is a fleeting moment and for the time being, we will revel in the enjoyment of you. Continuing to pray that they are forever etched into our memory!

Conversations with Myself

I usually tend to have a lot of conversations with myself. A lot of times I chalk them up to God talking to me and trying to work in some way in my life. That's probably because it's always my flesh fighting against the Spirit dwelling in me. Last night I had another one that really made my husband and I chuckle.

My MIL recently moved into town. I've been a little frustrated with her over the past year by what I perceive as a lack of action in trying to change her situation, the details of which would take far too long to explain. Suffice it to say, she doesn't have a job or a permanent place to live. But we're hoping both of those change with her recent move. Now, before I start, let me explain that frustration doesn't outweigh love. I love my MIL. I've just been frustrated with her. And my frustrations can bring out the worst of my flesh.

We were on our way home from church (we go to church on Sunday evenings) and I knew that I needed to make dinner for my husband, his brother (who is currently and temporarily living with us) and myself. But I didn't want to make dinner for my MIL. I didn't want her to get accustomed to coming over all the time and we have really been hurting with our grocery money with the addition of a third. I didn't want to now become responsible for feeding a fourth.

We pulled into the driveway and I'm saying to myself, "I hope she gets into her car to goes home." (She's temporarily staying with a couple.) But in she walks with us. So I walk into the house saying to myself, "I hope she's not expecting me to make dinner for her." On my way to the kitchen I'm trying to think of how I can get out of it. So I decide I'll just make dinner for Dave and I. I start to get the stuff ready and the conversation begins:

"I'm not making dinner for her."

"Jess, she's homeless and doesn't have any money"

"Well that's not my problem."

"You got that can of soup for $1."

"Yeah, but it's the principle of the thing."

"Haven't I always provided for you."

"Yes, so You can provide for her."

"Yes, I can. Through you." Arrrgh. I hate it when God wins.

"Fine, then you'll have to provide for us, because we don't have the money to keep feeding a fourth."

I then ask everyone else if they'd like a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. Yes, it was a really cheap dinner too. Everyone says yes and I try not be really upset as I start making dinner for everyone. In walks my husband with a smile on his face. He's so happy that I'd asked his mom if I could make her dinner. Then he pulls out about six grocery gift cards our pastor had given him at church. Apparently our pastor knew how rough grocery money had been for us of late and decided to help us out. At that point, I could only laugh.

"Yes God, You can provide for us. You have and You will. Thank you for the reminder. Next time I'll try to be more of a cheerful giver."

About Me

I'm trying my best to not be an envious person ... but it's hard! On my sister-in-law's blog, her About Me reads: "I'm a fun-loving woman, wife, mom to a no-fear toddler, and a student of cultures. I have been serving in Paraguay for five years. I am passionate about God, life, my fam, outdoor activities, nature and pickles." Every time I read this, which is just about every time I read her blog, I get so so envious. I would love to be able to say that I was a fun-loving woman and passionate about life. Instead, my About Me reads: "I am a wife and new mother, trying my best to overcome struggles in my life and doing my best to 'press on to take hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of me'. In the midst of my struggles, I press on."

My husband is very much like his sister. One of my greatest desires is to be able to embrace life like they do in order to share it with him. I have many fears that I'm doing my best to overcome. One of them is complete insecurities about just about everything about me. I'm probably one of the most insecure people I know. While the Lord has brought me strides in this area in my life, I still have a long way to go.

We had a sermon recently at church about accepting who God made us to be. God made us exactly as He would have us and by not accepting who we are, we're in essence saying God didn't do good enough.

For some reason, this is how He created me. While it's still hard for me to accept and I still would much rather be like my husband or sister-in-law, I can't change who I am. Most of the time I want the easy way out. And I see the two of them as being able to live life so much easier than me. But alas, God doesn't always give us the easy way. As I've heard others say, life is about the journey - whether I like it or not.

So Holy Spirit, I need your strength to get me through each day. I need your transforming power to change me into the person I hope to become and more importantly the person You want me to be.

God Cares About Dogs

Well, God has worked a miracle in our lives this week. Knightly has pulled through. You can see from the picture he's still pretty skinny, but he's put some of his weight back on. We're all still a bit in shock, but it turns out he ate a peach pit that got lodged in his little body. My brother told us something to try to help him pass it and it worked! The little guy was certainly back to himself in no time! While we hated seeing him suffer, we didn't miss the yapping and continual watchfulness so he won't run out the front door:-) But it's proof that God cares about every detail of our lives ... even our pets.

I feel like God is showing me in so many little ways how much he cares about me. I made a recent discovery that I only expect bad things from God. Or should I say, I'm in constant fear of all the bad things God will give me. I'm not quite sure why I feel this way. I guess part of me is afraid to dig that deep inside to figure it out. When you dig that deep, you're sure to bring up a lot of other dirt with your discovery! So for now, I'm enjoying resting in the fact that God does truly Love me and desire to give me good gifts. I shouldn't go through everyday dwelling on all the bad that could , possibly, might just in fact not ever happen. And I shouldn't constantly expect the next bad thing to hop out from around the bend. I need to accept the fact that God's mercies are truly NEW every morning, and every afternoon, and every second of every day! When the Bible says God gives good gifts, he really does. It's true. We can believe it and trust it! Wow, what a thought!

Remembering

I decided to start a notebook this morning of the things God has done for me. You see, I struggle with anxiety at times. While God has recently healed me of this (that's another story), I still have some "walking out" to do in this area of my life. After so many years of living under oppression, my thoughts tend to automatically sway in that direction. So the Holy Spirit is gently teaching me how to redirect those thoughts and learn to be a new person - a whole person.

So what brought the notebook on? Well, my dog is dying. I got Knightly six years ago at the pound. He's a feisty little silky terrier. For a while he was my life. I had moved to a new town, all by myself, didn't know anyone and he was my only companion. I don't make friends very easily, and so he was the one I spent time with each night when I'd come home from work to a lonely apartment. I adored the little guy. Fast forward a few years, I'm now married and we recently had our first child - a four month old daughter. Unfortunately, over the years as those changes have transpired, the little guy has fallen down a little more, and a little more on my priority list. He's no longer the top guy in my life. He's, well ... a dog. I feel really guilty for this. I used to spend so much time with him, just loving on him. Now it's hard to find time to just pet him.

Four nights ago he got sick. He threw up all night long. We waited a couple of days thinking he'd get over it. But when we took him to the vet, they wanted between $600-$1000 to do surgery on him to remove part of a blocked intestine. Well, needless to say, we don't have that kind of money to put out on a dog - even if he is my little champ. So we brought him home and are trying our best to take care of him, all the while praying that the Lord heals him.

This morning I woke up with a nagging drag that has slowly been increasing. As each day inches by, I feel like we're coming closer and closer to his passing. I didn't like that feeling of dread - it's too much like what I have dealt with for so long. So I wanted a boost and decided to start writing down all the times I could remember where God did something BIG in my life. I wanted to remember all that He has done for me, so that I know I can trust Him to do it again. I don't want to watch my dog die - especially a slow, painful death. I have been sick before and haven't been able to eat - it's miserable. So with each passing day that Knightly goes on like this, well ... it's just miserable to watch. So what have I done? I've done the wimpy thing - I've tried not to watch. I've let my husband, mother, and even my brother-in-law do everything. I just can't cope with it. I can't cope with seeing him so sick, feeling his skin and bones. And the not coping takes me back. You see, I did the same thing when my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers. I couldn't cope and just stopped visiting. I'm so ashamed of that, and here I am, trying to cope again.

So this time, I wanted to do something different. Maybe by writing, putting words to a page, I'll be able to heal. Maybe I'll be a little stronger. Maybe I'll remember all that God has done and trust Him a little more - whatever the outcome is. Maybe ...