What am I doing?

What am I doing with my freedom from fear? I asked myself that this morning after I finished my morning Bible Study. I had just read: "According to 2 Timothy 1:7, God does not give us a spirit of fear. Satan is the one who fuels fear in an attempt to keep people from serving God effectively."

God has recently freed me from fear. I was so weighed down with it, it was becoming hard to function. I remember praying, "God, how can I possibly be effective for You when I'm afraid of so much?!?" I haven't really thought about that prayer much until I read the above this morning. It really convicted me.

How much more effective am I being with my freedom? What am I doing with the freedom from fear God has given me? Am I being any more effective?

That's a good question.

Such a thing as time for me?

How does a woman find time for herself? You know, time to do the stuff that I really enjoy. I have a great appreciation for art. I've only taken one art class in my entire life (well two, if you count the photography class). It was my senior year in college and the first time I was able to take a class that had a three-hour block. I found out I really enjoyed it. It was a drawing class, and we pretty much learned the basics, but I found out I wasn't half bad.

So recently our church announced they were doing an art exhibit. I was really excited because I knew we had a lot of talented artists in our church. Then God woke me up at 3am one morning with several ideas for drawings. I knew, for some reason, God was telling me to pick up my pencil again. This didn't really thrill me as I hadn't done anything in years and I'm totally self conscious. The idea of putting something I've done next to people who were really good made me shrink in my boots (they're actually flip flops, but you get the idea).

I toyed around with the idea for a couple of weeks before I made up my mind to actually start something. Then it was another week before I got up the nerve to email our pastor to see if he had room for any of my drawings. This meant I was actually committed ... again TOTAL self-conscious-ville. I'm now about half-way through the first one ... a wee bit behind. I still have another piece to do and only three weeks left. But when do I have the time to work on it???

Between taking care of my six-month old, working part-time from home (it's amazing how many hours it takes to work four-hours a day), taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, showering at least a few times during the week, and that annoying time-filler called sleep ... where on earth does a woman find time to work on the things she enjoys? Somehow my husband has time to work on the things he enjoys. I'm not sure why God gave man and woman this time differential, but lately it's started to annoy me.

Suggestions anyone?!?

Personality Pegged

I just took the shortest Personality Profile. It was a total of one question ... yep, just one. But it pegged me. I was pretty shocked:

You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.

You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

It pegged my husband too:

You are happy, driven, and status conscious.
You want everyone to know how successful you are.
Very logical, you see life as a game of strategy.

A bit of a loner, you prefer to depend on yourself.
You always keep your cool and your composure.
You are a born leader and business person.

to Eliyah

As I lie here nursing you, I pray that God carves these precious moments into the stone of my memory forever. Your huge eyes looking up at me in such wonderment. Your lips forming into that slight smile. You are my favorite thing to wake up to, your eyes wide and encompassing most of your face. Your gurgles and laughs are our favorite things to hear. There is no better sound on this earth. No beautifully composed music can compare.

But at the same time, my heart breaks. You will not forever remain this innocent and pure - so untouched by the hurts of this world. How I want to wrap you up in this moment, never letting it pass us by. Never letting the pain that will inevitably enfold you dare approach. Never letting the darkness dare encroach your sunshine. Never letting your continual smile to drop into anything else but laughter. I want these moments to never end. I never want you to experience the heartbreak and darkness this world has to offer and that have almost swallowed me at times.

"Oh Lord, can't I wrap her in this exact moment to keep her protected and safe! I never want her tears to run outside nap times and meal times. I want to forever be able to whisk her up into my arms and feel her small body's warmth close to mine. I want to forever be able to wipe every tear away by my embrace. I want to forever squelch any cry by the simplicity of nursing. I want to forever be her world."

Alas, God has many things to teach you. Through the pain and darkness He will allow you to grow. My tears at the mere thought cannot stop them. But I will be here beside you through each one. I will love you and always be willing to whisk you back into my arms without a thought. You are my precious daughter. My precious gift.

"Oh Lord, be merciful and kind to her. Into Your hands we commit her."

But this is a fleeting moment and for the time being, we will revel in the enjoyment of you. Continuing to pray that they are forever etched into our memory!

Conversations with Myself

I usually tend to have a lot of conversations with myself. A lot of times I chalk them up to God talking to me and trying to work in some way in my life. That's probably because it's always my flesh fighting against the Spirit dwelling in me. Last night I had another one that really made my husband and I chuckle.

My MIL recently moved into town. I've been a little frustrated with her over the past year by what I perceive as a lack of action in trying to change her situation, the details of which would take far too long to explain. Suffice it to say, she doesn't have a job or a permanent place to live. But we're hoping both of those change with her recent move. Now, before I start, let me explain that frustration doesn't outweigh love. I love my MIL. I've just been frustrated with her. And my frustrations can bring out the worst of my flesh.

We were on our way home from church (we go to church on Sunday evenings) and I knew that I needed to make dinner for my husband, his brother (who is currently and temporarily living with us) and myself. But I didn't want to make dinner for my MIL. I didn't want her to get accustomed to coming over all the time and we have really been hurting with our grocery money with the addition of a third. I didn't want to now become responsible for feeding a fourth.

We pulled into the driveway and I'm saying to myself, "I hope she gets into her car to goes home." (She's temporarily staying with a couple.) But in she walks with us. So I walk into the house saying to myself, "I hope she's not expecting me to make dinner for her." On my way to the kitchen I'm trying to think of how I can get out of it. So I decide I'll just make dinner for Dave and I. I start to get the stuff ready and the conversation begins:

"I'm not making dinner for her."

"Jess, she's homeless and doesn't have any money"

"Well that's not my problem."

"You got that can of soup for $1."

"Yeah, but it's the principle of the thing."

"Haven't I always provided for you."

"Yes, so You can provide for her."

"Yes, I can. Through you." Arrrgh. I hate it when God wins.

"Fine, then you'll have to provide for us, because we don't have the money to keep feeding a fourth."

I then ask everyone else if they'd like a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. Yes, it was a really cheap dinner too. Everyone says yes and I try not be really upset as I start making dinner for everyone. In walks my husband with a smile on his face. He's so happy that I'd asked his mom if I could make her dinner. Then he pulls out about six grocery gift cards our pastor had given him at church. Apparently our pastor knew how rough grocery money had been for us of late and decided to help us out. At that point, I could only laugh.

"Yes God, You can provide for us. You have and You will. Thank you for the reminder. Next time I'll try to be more of a cheerful giver."