About Me

I'm trying my best to not be an envious person ... but it's hard! On my sister-in-law's blog, her About Me reads: "I'm a fun-loving woman, wife, mom to a no-fear toddler, and a student of cultures. I have been serving in Paraguay for five years. I am passionate about God, life, my fam, outdoor activities, nature and pickles." Every time I read this, which is just about every time I read her blog, I get so so envious. I would love to be able to say that I was a fun-loving woman and passionate about life. Instead, my About Me reads: "I am a wife and new mother, trying my best to overcome struggles in my life and doing my best to 'press on to take hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of me'. In the midst of my struggles, I press on."

My husband is very much like his sister. One of my greatest desires is to be able to embrace life like they do in order to share it with him. I have many fears that I'm doing my best to overcome. One of them is complete insecurities about just about everything about me. I'm probably one of the most insecure people I know. While the Lord has brought me strides in this area in my life, I still have a long way to go.

We had a sermon recently at church about accepting who God made us to be. God made us exactly as He would have us and by not accepting who we are, we're in essence saying God didn't do good enough.

For some reason, this is how He created me. While it's still hard for me to accept and I still would much rather be like my husband or sister-in-law, I can't change who I am. Most of the time I want the easy way out. And I see the two of them as being able to live life so much easier than me. But alas, God doesn't always give us the easy way. As I've heard others say, life is about the journey - whether I like it or not.

So Holy Spirit, I need your strength to get me through each day. I need your transforming power to change me into the person I hope to become and more importantly the person You want me to be.

God Cares About Dogs

Well, God has worked a miracle in our lives this week. Knightly has pulled through. You can see from the picture he's still pretty skinny, but he's put some of his weight back on. We're all still a bit in shock, but it turns out he ate a peach pit that got lodged in his little body. My brother told us something to try to help him pass it and it worked! The little guy was certainly back to himself in no time! While we hated seeing him suffer, we didn't miss the yapping and continual watchfulness so he won't run out the front door:-) But it's proof that God cares about every detail of our lives ... even our pets.

I feel like God is showing me in so many little ways how much he cares about me. I made a recent discovery that I only expect bad things from God. Or should I say, I'm in constant fear of all the bad things God will give me. I'm not quite sure why I feel this way. I guess part of me is afraid to dig that deep inside to figure it out. When you dig that deep, you're sure to bring up a lot of other dirt with your discovery! So for now, I'm enjoying resting in the fact that God does truly Love me and desire to give me good gifts. I shouldn't go through everyday dwelling on all the bad that could , possibly, might just in fact not ever happen. And I shouldn't constantly expect the next bad thing to hop out from around the bend. I need to accept the fact that God's mercies are truly NEW every morning, and every afternoon, and every second of every day! When the Bible says God gives good gifts, he really does. It's true. We can believe it and trust it! Wow, what a thought!

Remembering

I decided to start a notebook this morning of the things God has done for me. You see, I struggle with anxiety at times. While God has recently healed me of this (that's another story), I still have some "walking out" to do in this area of my life. After so many years of living under oppression, my thoughts tend to automatically sway in that direction. So the Holy Spirit is gently teaching me how to redirect those thoughts and learn to be a new person - a whole person.

So what brought the notebook on? Well, my dog is dying. I got Knightly six years ago at the pound. He's a feisty little silky terrier. For a while he was my life. I had moved to a new town, all by myself, didn't know anyone and he was my only companion. I don't make friends very easily, and so he was the one I spent time with each night when I'd come home from work to a lonely apartment. I adored the little guy. Fast forward a few years, I'm now married and we recently had our first child - a four month old daughter. Unfortunately, over the years as those changes have transpired, the little guy has fallen down a little more, and a little more on my priority list. He's no longer the top guy in my life. He's, well ... a dog. I feel really guilty for this. I used to spend so much time with him, just loving on him. Now it's hard to find time to just pet him.

Four nights ago he got sick. He threw up all night long. We waited a couple of days thinking he'd get over it. But when we took him to the vet, they wanted between $600-$1000 to do surgery on him to remove part of a blocked intestine. Well, needless to say, we don't have that kind of money to put out on a dog - even if he is my little champ. So we brought him home and are trying our best to take care of him, all the while praying that the Lord heals him.

This morning I woke up with a nagging drag that has slowly been increasing. As each day inches by, I feel like we're coming closer and closer to his passing. I didn't like that feeling of dread - it's too much like what I have dealt with for so long. So I wanted a boost and decided to start writing down all the times I could remember where God did something BIG in my life. I wanted to remember all that He has done for me, so that I know I can trust Him to do it again. I don't want to watch my dog die - especially a slow, painful death. I have been sick before and haven't been able to eat - it's miserable. So with each passing day that Knightly goes on like this, well ... it's just miserable to watch. So what have I done? I've done the wimpy thing - I've tried not to watch. I've let my husband, mother, and even my brother-in-law do everything. I just can't cope with it. I can't cope with seeing him so sick, feeling his skin and bones. And the not coping takes me back. You see, I did the same thing when my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers. I couldn't cope and just stopped visiting. I'm so ashamed of that, and here I am, trying to cope again.

So this time, I wanted to do something different. Maybe by writing, putting words to a page, I'll be able to heal. Maybe I'll be a little stronger. Maybe I'll remember all that God has done and trust Him a little more - whatever the outcome is. Maybe ...