Endurance Training

I hate it when emotions hit you all at once. I thought that the name of my blog, "Pressing On", had in a way, ended its term for me. Despite the incredibly hard time that our families continue to endure, things have been going really well for me, or at least I thought. But it's crazy when God answers your prayers, and it's nothing like you thought it would be.

About two years ago, I started praying that the Lord help enable me to feel more. I was tired of the numbness - not feeling pain or hurt or happiness. But now I'm beginning to see how deeply He is enabling me to feel ... and I don't like it. I started this realization a couple weeks ago. It happened when I was really down one night. I felt like I had gotten hit on all sides, just plain beat up. But all of a sudden I realized I didn't go into default angry mode, my modus operandi. I usually just get mad, really fast, and really heated, and I throw a lot of words around that I usually regret. But this time that didn't happen. I was just really sad. I was hurting. God was answering my prayers and allowing me to feel pain, and I didn't like it.

Then this week I got hit twice. First my best friend and my brother-in-law (who I'm quite fond of) broke up. And I have to witness the deep pain of both. Then two days ago my adorable little dog (who was the cause of me starting to write this blog a few months ago) suddenly died. On top of everything with our families and the uncertainty of the economy and the elections, I really started to feel it today. I all of a sudden became aware of the overwhelming emotions I was experiencing. And I sobbed and sobbed. I mean, hello God! When I was praying to feel more, I wanted to feel more happiness and joy, not pain. But you can't have one without the other.

In the midst of the pain, there's God. I could feel His arms around me tonight: in the presence of my husband praying, in my best friend's hand on my shoulder, in the hugs from others, and in His loving revelations. Because He revealed Himself to me in two big ways tonight. The first being in the meaning of Jehovah - "the One who is always present." What comfort! It brings such meaning to my life as a follower of Him! I've heard the scripture referring to how He is always with us since I was a kid, but to know that's what His name means brought special significance to me tonight.

The second way was through a study on endurance. At church tonight, we were reading Hebrews 12 and studying faith. In the words of our pastor, "Faith is not believing that the impossible can become possible. Faith is trusting in the One who can make the impossible possible." But faith is a product of endurance - walking with Christ through the pain in our lives, getting to know Him, developing that relationship with Him, and as a result learning to trust Him. I would often times get frustrated at what I felt was a lack of faith I had. And tonight it became so evident to me. How can I expect faith to just be there, when I haven't invested the time in getting to know God more! Just like the example our pastor used, how can we run a marathon if we haven't run a mile. Wow!

I'm so thankful for God's loving embrace during painful times. I certainly don't enjoy the pain. But I've realized that the last few years of my life have certainly been a test of endurance. I've hung onto Christ and have grown through these times. I've learned so much about myself and so much more about Him than I knew was possible. I wish that the pain would just go away. But I know just like the burning of a marathon run, I have to push on. I have to push past the pain, not allowing myself to quit in order for the pain to go away. I have to continue forward, embracing the pain, trusting that at the end of it I will be able to look back and see what it has produced. There will be growth and spiritual maturity. There will be me, who with all my imperfections and faults, does indeed look more like Christ. But more importantly, there will be a deeper relationship and a greater revelation of Him who is above all things. And that is something to strive for!