Assessing My Idols

I'm going through the Beth Moore Bible study, "Breaking Free." I've been wanting to go through this particular study for quite some time. So it's been amusing in an odd sort of way to see how delinquent I've been in doing it. It's no surprise really. I'm not so naive as to be unaware that the enemy doesn't want me to actually finish such a study. But nonetheless, it never ceases to amaze me how the flesh can battle with the spirit. "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do" Romans 7:15 . I so often empathize with the words of Paul. And this is no exception.

Our group meets tomorrow and we give ourselves two weeks in between each study to allow time for all the young mothers to finish their five days of work. Somehow, I was only on day four this morning. So I was going back over the last few days of the study to refresh my memory. Day three was on idols. The main thrust was to evaluate the idols that we've built in our lives that can take the place of God and our finding satisfaction in Him alone. I didn't have a lot of time for reflection that morning as I was hurrying to finish when I heard Eliyah wake up. So I was again pondering that this morning. The only real idol that I could think of right off the bat was my husband. It was the only obvious choice - I can tangibly spend time with him, see him, talk to him, walk with him - all things I can't physically do in my relationship with God.

But later in the day, God began showing me something that could easily become an idol in my life. And it's a gift He's given me. As He's brought me freedom in so many areas in my life, He's also showing me abilities and talents that He's put in me that I was previously unaware of - one of which is art. It's ironic how a gifting that He has bestowed can quietly and stealth-fully push its way up into the forefront of our focus, pushing the gift-Giver out of His rightful place.

It firmed up something that I'd been pondering of late. So often we'll marvel at a artist's amazing ability to draw or paint something so lifelike and real that it almost looks like a photograph. We'll stand in awe of it, staring with our jaws dropped. It doesn't matter what it is - it could be of a bug crawling on a leaf. But oddly enough, if we were to see that same bug crawling on a leaf in real life, we wouldn't even give it a moment's though. Why is it that we can marvel at a two-dimensional shadow of reality, and not marvel at the original that God Himself created? I've been blown away at that thought. But it happens everyday. We walk around in complete apathy toward the magnificence that is all around us.

How could I be wooed away from the Ultimate Creative One, but focusing on a gift that He's given me to replicate (poorly at best) a flat representation of something He's already created? It's mind-boggling. And yet it could easily happen everyday. Thank you Lord, for putting me on my guard.

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." Psalm 19: 1-4a

The Funny Things She Does

Last week I was working by my dining room window as I usually do each morning. Eliyah plays in the living room and frequently toddles over to me before heading back to whatever she was doing. So I wasn't surprised when she came over to me, touched the corner of my chair and went back from whence she came. When she returned about 30 seconds later touching the corner of my chair again, I looked down at where her little hand had rested. Laying gingerly where she had left them were two q-tips. In a flash I pictured the whole the scene. I quietly got up and followed her as she proudly walked back to her starting place once again - exactly where I knew she was going. I peaked around the corner of the of the bathroom door to find her walking right up to her new treasure chest, lifting the lid, and reaching out her hand to find yet another treasure ... before I had to put a stop to it. Yes, she was going to the small trash can in the bathroom, lifting the lid and picking out used q-tips to so proudly gift to me. You should have seen her eyes! She was so proud of herself and so thrilled at her new discovery. I hated having to dash that smile.

Then today during snack time she was getting her new favorite - dried mango. Dried mango can be a tad on the chewy side, so it sometimes takes her some work to finish a slice. Since we've been teaching her sign language and manners, she always has to ask for more and say "please". Today was no exception. I had given her a piece and she thought she was ready for me. So she signed for more, and as usual I prompted her to say please. She tried with all her might to get that word out, but since her mouth was completely full of the previous slice, she couldn't get it out. Not wanting to miss out on that fresh piece, without a thought she pulled the half-eaten piece out, said "Pwease" with a smile, and shoved it right back in her mouth. It happened so fast and was so ridiculously cute, I sat there stunned for a moment with a stupefied half-smile on my face. Needless to say, she did not get second slice on cue. But it did re-confirm my need to always have her actually say please when she wants more. If she can say it (or attempt to), I can at least tell the status of her last bite.

Endurance Training

I hate it when emotions hit you all at once. I thought that the name of my blog, "Pressing On", had in a way, ended its term for me. Despite the incredibly hard time that our families continue to endure, things have been going really well for me, or at least I thought. But it's crazy when God answers your prayers, and it's nothing like you thought it would be.

About two years ago, I started praying that the Lord help enable me to feel more. I was tired of the numbness - not feeling pain or hurt or happiness. But now I'm beginning to see how deeply He is enabling me to feel ... and I don't like it. I started this realization a couple weeks ago. It happened when I was really down one night. I felt like I had gotten hit on all sides, just plain beat up. But all of a sudden I realized I didn't go into default angry mode, my modus operandi. I usually just get mad, really fast, and really heated, and I throw a lot of words around that I usually regret. But this time that didn't happen. I was just really sad. I was hurting. God was answering my prayers and allowing me to feel pain, and I didn't like it.

Then this week I got hit twice. First my best friend and my brother-in-law (who I'm quite fond of) broke up. And I have to witness the deep pain of both. Then two days ago my adorable little dog (who was the cause of me starting to write this blog a few months ago) suddenly died. On top of everything with our families and the uncertainty of the economy and the elections, I really started to feel it today. I all of a sudden became aware of the overwhelming emotions I was experiencing. And I sobbed and sobbed. I mean, hello God! When I was praying to feel more, I wanted to feel more happiness and joy, not pain. But you can't have one without the other.

In the midst of the pain, there's God. I could feel His arms around me tonight: in the presence of my husband praying, in my best friend's hand on my shoulder, in the hugs from others, and in His loving revelations. Because He revealed Himself to me in two big ways tonight. The first being in the meaning of Jehovah - "the One who is always present." What comfort! It brings such meaning to my life as a follower of Him! I've heard the scripture referring to how He is always with us since I was a kid, but to know that's what His name means brought special significance to me tonight.

The second way was through a study on endurance. At church tonight, we were reading Hebrews 12 and studying faith. In the words of our pastor, "Faith is not believing that the impossible can become possible. Faith is trusting in the One who can make the impossible possible." But faith is a product of endurance - walking with Christ through the pain in our lives, getting to know Him, developing that relationship with Him, and as a result learning to trust Him. I would often times get frustrated at what I felt was a lack of faith I had. And tonight it became so evident to me. How can I expect faith to just be there, when I haven't invested the time in getting to know God more! Just like the example our pastor used, how can we run a marathon if we haven't run a mile. Wow!

I'm so thankful for God's loving embrace during painful times. I certainly don't enjoy the pain. But I've realized that the last few years of my life have certainly been a test of endurance. I've hung onto Christ and have grown through these times. I've learned so much about myself and so much more about Him than I knew was possible. I wish that the pain would just go away. But I know just like the burning of a marathon run, I have to push on. I have to push past the pain, not allowing myself to quit in order for the pain to go away. I have to continue forward, embracing the pain, trusting that at the end of it I will be able to look back and see what it has produced. There will be growth and spiritual maturity. There will be me, who with all my imperfections and faults, does indeed look more like Christ. But more importantly, there will be a deeper relationship and a greater revelation of Him who is above all things. And that is something to strive for!

God's Amazing Kindness

I started me new Beth Moore Bible Study today. It's the one on a woman's heart that studies the tabernacle. At the beginning we go over the history of man before the tabernacle was built. I have to admit, I wasn't super excited about studying the tabernacle. It actually sounded pretty boring to me. But God has already show me some incredible things.

We were suppose to read Gen. 1: 24-3:24 aloud. Since it's mostly stuff that we're probably super familiar with, reading it aloud was suppose to help us get new insight. When I got to 3:21, I was so choaked up I couldn't read aloud anymore. Adam and Eve had just chosen sin. And when God came for His customary stroll through the garden with them, they ran and hid because they were suddenly aware that they were naked. When God calls out to them, they tell Him they have sinned. God then does two things - He first tells them the consequences of their choices because there are always consequences. But the very next thing He does for them is a sheer and amazing act of kindness that blew me away. No doubt, Adam and Eve did a rush job throwing some not-so-sturdy fig leaves together for coverings. They weren't going to last and surely weren't doing a very good job of covering. So God stops, and I'm sure with a broken heart, causes an aninmal to die so that he can use their skin to cover his precious people. What amazing love! It was man that sinned, yet God was covering for them.

It must have been such an incredibly sad day in heaven. God no longer had fellowship with His creation. He could no longer walk with them through the garden and talk with them, just spending time with them. In order to rectify this, He had to again cover for us all by causing another innocent being to die - our Savior. And the thorns that were caused to grow as a by-product of Adam's fall, were the very ones used to crown Him. 

It's amazing to see the correlation between the fall and the forgiveness. God so wanted to be with us, that he would stop at no lengths and do all that was required in order to be with us forever. What an amazingly, humbling thought.

In the next chapter, God asks Cain why he is angry. He tells him that sin is waiting to overcome him, "but you must master it (Gen 4:9)." God told Cain that sin was master-able. We have the capability to NOT choose sin. But we have to CHOOSE! So in the interim, between sinfulness and eternity, He not only in amazing kindness provides for us, He also enourages us to fight for and choose our freedom. Overcoming darkness is possible! But He allows us to choose.

Allowing Pain

I'm not quite sure when it started or what caused it, but I've realized that I don't allow myself to feel emotional pain. I do everything to prevent it. I've become quite a pro at it too. My modus operandi is to just get mad. So when something happens that should hurt my feelings, instead of allowing myself to be hurt, I just get mad. I think I probably started this process of realization when my husband and I were dating. But it wasn't until a little ways into our marriage that I became aware of what I was doing. This is really quite frustrating for me. Because I now know that I literally don't know how to let myself feel pain!

This has recently blown up into realization again with a good friend of mine. Over the last few weeks I've gone from doing just about anything for her to not wanting to see or speak to her again. It's been a really rough two weeks. I know we're both to blaim, but I can only control my own emotions and reactions. And let me tell you, my flesh has wanted to RAGE! So it's been a daily struggle to imitate Christ. I pretty much dwell on it all day long and pray all day long. It's been a battle within myself, but I know that I will be victorious through this in Christ. He's lovingly showing me the things that have really been bothering me and it boils down to pain. But it's pain that I disallow myself. I literally have to dig deep to determine what it is that's causing me so much upset. And it's taken me weeks to even begin to come to the bottom of it. But I'm so thankful that God is slowly and lovingly cleaning out the dirt so that I can see the wound. So pray for me during this process. Pray for reconciliation and that we both allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in our hearts and actions and that our flesh doesn't win this battle. What a shame that would be.

My hubbie

I've recently been hurt by a friend. And last night I found myself still stewing over it. I was sitting and watching the Olympics with my husband. Eliyah had finally fallen asleep, so it was just Dave and I on the couch together. All of a sudden I said to myself, "Why am I mulling over this and dwelling on this, when I could be enjoying this precious time with my husband?!?" I get so little time with just him and I was wasting it, letting it slip away. So instead of letting myself sit there with my stomach churning, I looked at my husband, smiled, and thought one day I'm going to look back on moments like these and cherish them. So I curled up next to him, nice and close, took a whiff of his yummy cologne, and smiled again. Instead of letting myself be upset, we were able to cheer our US teams on together, getting all excited as we watched the men's 4x100 relay team come up from behind and win the gold. It was a moment to cherish! Thank you Lord for snapping my head back into focus.

Being Mom

I find myself frustrated and lately consumed with all it takes to be a wife and mother. I truly understand now why people say being a mom is a thankless job ... and I only have a six-month old! My day starts off with nursing, packing a lunch for hubbie and Bible study before I begin my four-hour work day from home. Shortly into beginning work, Eliyah wakes up and I change her diaper and nurse again. Once work is finished (which is intertwined with diaper changes and nursing), my day turns to straightening up the house, washing diapers (we cloth diaper), grocery shopping, nursing, watering plants, washing clothes, running errands, nursing, cleaning the bathroom and floors, making dinner, folding laundry, nursing, washing dishes, picking work clothes out for hubbie, putting laundry away, nursing ... and did I mention changing those diapers? Aaaaahhhh! I'm just plain worn out.

And while I've never wanted more time for myself before in my life, I feel selfish for wanting it. I just want someone to do something special for me and tell me that they notice the million and one things I do during the day. But I guess God is teaching me now to get used to it. I have at least twenty more years to go.

The crux of it is, I LOVE being a wife. And I LOVE being a mom. But it's a ton of work and I don't think I was prepared for this much work needing to be done. And there's not very much time to yourself. And there's not very many "thank you's'" given in word, gift or deed. Maybe those come later in life, when your kids can run up and give you a big hug. Or draw you pictures. Or sing you songs. Or tell you they love you. We'll hope for that.

Right now there's just exhaustion and a feeling of giving to everyone else but myself. Maybe this is God's way of teaching women to be more like Himself - selfless and abounding in love. I have a long way to go. But life is a learning process. And I need to learn to enjoy the journey .. and put a smile on my face while I go to take care of the crying baby!