Allowing Pain

I'm not quite sure when it started or what caused it, but I've realized that I don't allow myself to feel emotional pain. I do everything to prevent it. I've become quite a pro at it too. My modus operandi is to just get mad. So when something happens that should hurt my feelings, instead of allowing myself to be hurt, I just get mad. I think I probably started this process of realization when my husband and I were dating. But it wasn't until a little ways into our marriage that I became aware of what I was doing. This is really quite frustrating for me. Because I now know that I literally don't know how to let myself feel pain!

This has recently blown up into realization again with a good friend of mine. Over the last few weeks I've gone from doing just about anything for her to not wanting to see or speak to her again. It's been a really rough two weeks. I know we're both to blaim, but I can only control my own emotions and reactions. And let me tell you, my flesh has wanted to RAGE! So it's been a daily struggle to imitate Christ. I pretty much dwell on it all day long and pray all day long. It's been a battle within myself, but I know that I will be victorious through this in Christ. He's lovingly showing me the things that have really been bothering me and it boils down to pain. But it's pain that I disallow myself. I literally have to dig deep to determine what it is that's causing me so much upset. And it's taken me weeks to even begin to come to the bottom of it. But I'm so thankful that God is slowly and lovingly cleaning out the dirt so that I can see the wound. So pray for me during this process. Pray for reconciliation and that we both allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in our hearts and actions and that our flesh doesn't win this battle. What a shame that would be.