God's Amazing Kindness

I started me new Beth Moore Bible Study today. It's the one on a woman's heart that studies the tabernacle. At the beginning we go over the history of man before the tabernacle was built. I have to admit, I wasn't super excited about studying the tabernacle. It actually sounded pretty boring to me. But God has already show me some incredible things.

We were suppose to read Gen. 1: 24-3:24 aloud. Since it's mostly stuff that we're probably super familiar with, reading it aloud was suppose to help us get new insight. When I got to 3:21, I was so choaked up I couldn't read aloud anymore. Adam and Eve had just chosen sin. And when God came for His customary stroll through the garden with them, they ran and hid because they were suddenly aware that they were naked. When God calls out to them, they tell Him they have sinned. God then does two things - He first tells them the consequences of their choices because there are always consequences. But the very next thing He does for them is a sheer and amazing act of kindness that blew me away. No doubt, Adam and Eve did a rush job throwing some not-so-sturdy fig leaves together for coverings. They weren't going to last and surely weren't doing a very good job of covering. So God stops, and I'm sure with a broken heart, causes an aninmal to die so that he can use their skin to cover his precious people. What amazing love! It was man that sinned, yet God was covering for them.

It must have been such an incredibly sad day in heaven. God no longer had fellowship with His creation. He could no longer walk with them through the garden and talk with them, just spending time with them. In order to rectify this, He had to again cover for us all by causing another innocent being to die - our Savior. And the thorns that were caused to grow as a by-product of Adam's fall, were the very ones used to crown Him. 

It's amazing to see the correlation between the fall and the forgiveness. God so wanted to be with us, that he would stop at no lengths and do all that was required in order to be with us forever. What an amazingly, humbling thought.

In the next chapter, God asks Cain why he is angry. He tells him that sin is waiting to overcome him, "but you must master it (Gen 4:9)." God told Cain that sin was master-able. We have the capability to NOT choose sin. But we have to CHOOSE! So in the interim, between sinfulness and eternity, He not only in amazing kindness provides for us, He also enourages us to fight for and choose our freedom. Overcoming darkness is possible! But He allows us to choose.

Allowing Pain

I'm not quite sure when it started or what caused it, but I've realized that I don't allow myself to feel emotional pain. I do everything to prevent it. I've become quite a pro at it too. My modus operandi is to just get mad. So when something happens that should hurt my feelings, instead of allowing myself to be hurt, I just get mad. I think I probably started this process of realization when my husband and I were dating. But it wasn't until a little ways into our marriage that I became aware of what I was doing. This is really quite frustrating for me. Because I now know that I literally don't know how to let myself feel pain!

This has recently blown up into realization again with a good friend of mine. Over the last few weeks I've gone from doing just about anything for her to not wanting to see or speak to her again. It's been a really rough two weeks. I know we're both to blaim, but I can only control my own emotions and reactions. And let me tell you, my flesh has wanted to RAGE! So it's been a daily struggle to imitate Christ. I pretty much dwell on it all day long and pray all day long. It's been a battle within myself, but I know that I will be victorious through this in Christ. He's lovingly showing me the things that have really been bothering me and it boils down to pain. But it's pain that I disallow myself. I literally have to dig deep to determine what it is that's causing me so much upset. And it's taken me weeks to even begin to come to the bottom of it. But I'm so thankful that God is slowly and lovingly cleaning out the dirt so that I can see the wound. So pray for me during this process. Pray for reconciliation and that we both allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in our hearts and actions and that our flesh doesn't win this battle. What a shame that would be.

My hubbie

I've recently been hurt by a friend. And last night I found myself still stewing over it. I was sitting and watching the Olympics with my husband. Eliyah had finally fallen asleep, so it was just Dave and I on the couch together. All of a sudden I said to myself, "Why am I mulling over this and dwelling on this, when I could be enjoying this precious time with my husband?!?" I get so little time with just him and I was wasting it, letting it slip away. So instead of letting myself sit there with my stomach churning, I looked at my husband, smiled, and thought one day I'm going to look back on moments like these and cherish them. So I curled up next to him, nice and close, took a whiff of his yummy cologne, and smiled again. Instead of letting myself be upset, we were able to cheer our US teams on together, getting all excited as we watched the men's 4x100 relay team come up from behind and win the gold. It was a moment to cherish! Thank you Lord for snapping my head back into focus.

Being Mom

I find myself frustrated and lately consumed with all it takes to be a wife and mother. I truly understand now why people say being a mom is a thankless job ... and I only have a six-month old! My day starts off with nursing, packing a lunch for hubbie and Bible study before I begin my four-hour work day from home. Shortly into beginning work, Eliyah wakes up and I change her diaper and nurse again. Once work is finished (which is intertwined with diaper changes and nursing), my day turns to straightening up the house, washing diapers (we cloth diaper), grocery shopping, nursing, watering plants, washing clothes, running errands, nursing, cleaning the bathroom and floors, making dinner, folding laundry, nursing, washing dishes, picking work clothes out for hubbie, putting laundry away, nursing ... and did I mention changing those diapers? Aaaaahhhh! I'm just plain worn out.

And while I've never wanted more time for myself before in my life, I feel selfish for wanting it. I just want someone to do something special for me and tell me that they notice the million and one things I do during the day. But I guess God is teaching me now to get used to it. I have at least twenty more years to go.

The crux of it is, I LOVE being a wife. And I LOVE being a mom. But it's a ton of work and I don't think I was prepared for this much work needing to be done. And there's not very much time to yourself. And there's not very many "thank you's'" given in word, gift or deed. Maybe those come later in life, when your kids can run up and give you a big hug. Or draw you pictures. Or sing you songs. Or tell you they love you. We'll hope for that.

Right now there's just exhaustion and a feeling of giving to everyone else but myself. Maybe this is God's way of teaching women to be more like Himself - selfless and abounding in love. I have a long way to go. But life is a learning process. And I need to learn to enjoy the journey .. and put a smile on my face while I go to take care of the crying baby!

Metaphors

This came from the Ransomed Heart daily devotions a friend forwarded to me ...

The Bible uses a number of metaphors to describe our relationship to God at various stages. If you’ll notice, they ascend in a stunning way: Potter and clay. At this level we are merely aware that our lives are shaped—even broken—by a powerful hand. There isn’t much communication, just the sovereignty of God at work. Shepherd and sheep. At this stage we feel provided for, watched over, cared about. But beyond that, a sheep has little by way of true intimacy with the Shepherd. They are altogether different creatures. Master and servant. Many, many believers are stuck in this stage, where they are committed to obey, but the relationship is mostly about receiving orders and instructions and carrying them out. Father and child. This is certainly more intimate than being a servant; children get the run of the house, they get to climb on Daddy’s lap. These fortunate souls understand God’s fatherly love and care for them. They feel “at home” with God. Friends. This stage actually opens up a deeper level of intimacy as we walk together with God, companions in a shared mission. We know what’s on his heart; he knows what’s on ours. There is a maturity and intimacy to the relationship. Bridegroom and bride (lovers). Here, the words of the Song of Songs could also describe our spiritual intimacy, our union and oneness with God. Madame Guyon wrote, “I love God far more than the most affectionate lover among men loves his earthly attachment.”

I'd put myself at moving between the "Father and child" to the "Friends" stage. Where are you at?

My Permission

I've been reading John recently and reading commentaries on it as I go, something I can't say I've done before. It's amazing to find all the references there are throughout the book, that I would never notice on my own.

In verse 32 of chapter 8, there is the familiar verse, "and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." I love this verse and enjoyed the reminder I read on it in the commentary that followed it up: "This is surely one of the most abused texts in the Bible, for it is often cited with no regard for either the condition attached (remaining in Jesus' teachings) or the sort of freedom in view, namely, freedom from sin (v. 34) ... To know Jesus is to be liberated from all error and evil, for it is to know God himself, who is truth and purity and life ... The freedom in view is not a freedom to do whatever we wish according to the dictates of our own fallen selves, but a freedom from our fallen selves and the power and guidance to act in accordance with God himself, the source of all goodness and life."*

To know Jesus ... what a life pursuit! This is the third time in the last week or so that truth has been set before me. How many of us make it our life's pursuit to simply know Him. Not to just know about Him ... but to strive to KNOW Him. I want that to be my life's pursuit. I pray that when my life is over people can say, "Jessica was a woman who truly desired to know Christ!"

Over the last couple of years, I've really been trying to remain open and teachable. I know there are so many areas in my life that are far from where God wants them to be. And as stubborn as I can be and as much as I want to be right all the time, I am trying to yield those fleshly tendencies to the loving truth of my Savior. I not only want to know Him, but I want to be more like Him. I want to keep my eyes open to my faults and to seek Him in giving my permission to change those things in me.

The Great Physician is diagnosing their disease, and they are not happy about it. They have put faith in Jesus (v. 30), yet they rebel as he tries to help them become true disciples. When confronted with their inner disease they should have accepted his assessment and repented. This is what each of us must do as a disciple of Jesus, for each of us has inner disease that he desires to cure and that must be cured. His diagnosis is perfect, and he knows how to heal us. He does not have to leave us waiting while he goes in the next room to consult his medical books. Nor does he lack the resources to effect our cure. He lacks nothing except our signature on the permission slip to get on with the process. Discipleship includes allowing Jesus to deal with our inner brokenness and deadness. He will not be satisfied until we come out entirely clean and whole, a fact that is part of the good news. To be a disciple one needs not only the humility to receive what Jesus reveals about himself but also the ability to receive what he reveals about oneself. He always reveals in order to redeem. The judgment the light brings is meant to lead us to salvation, not condemnation. The sin is condemned in order to reveal it as sin and lead us to repentance. If we reject the diagnosis or the cure, then the light does indeed bring condemnation, for we have chosen to remain in our state of alienation from God, who is the one source of life.*

I pray that I never reject God's revelations in my life, but rather, in humility, accept that I am fallen and far from perfect and that Christ is my only cure. God, I give you my permission.

*Commentaries taken from Bible Gateway.

Work in Progress

About a year ago, the Lord gave me a promise - that I would soar like a bird. He also told me that there were gifts and talents that He had given me that I wasn't even aware of. I was going through a really rough time, and that promise was all I had to cling to. So fast-forward to today, I'm in a job that I love that's pulling creativity out of me and allowing me to evolve into the confident person I've always wanted to be.

At the same time, He's telling me to start cultivating artistic talents He's given me. It's not something I've really allowed myself to develop. I've always labeled myself as completely un-creative and since I assumed all artists were creative, I automatically blocked myself out of that bunch. It's been a hard mental block to get myself past. But when our church decided to host their first art exhibition, God told me to start working on it again. I've been fairly impressed with what I've done ... and I've really struggled with that.

I'm not sure if it's the label of "artist" or a battle with pride. I'm certainly aware that any talent the Lord has given me is completely a gift from Him. It's all been Him working through me. But for some reason, I've struggled with feeling blue as I've worked on my two pieces for the exhibit. The only thing I can come up with is that I associate artists with a certain stigmatism. I see them as different, liberal, with dark tendencies and people that hang in weird crowds. I'm not exactly sure why I lump all artists in that group, but I just know I don't want to be included in that bunch.

So maybe I just need to redefine the term within my own mind. Maybe I'm just redefining who I am. As life changes, I seem to change quite a bit with it. From being the single version of me who was pretty certain of who I was, to being married and having to figure that out. To now being a mom and balancing this new role with that of wife. I don't think that I want to have to redefine myself once again ... at least not yet. I don't feel like I'm ready for that. However, I am quite certain that the Lord really does know what He's doing.

God, help me to be ok with me today. I know that you're working to mold me to Your image, and each day I'll be a little different than I was the day before. So I shouldn't try to settle into who I am, because I won't be that way for long.