Joyful & Terrifying

Being a mother is a joyful and terrifying mix of emotions. On the one hand, it's an amazing experience to watch the object of your overwhelming love grow, smile, cry, look perplexed, light up, and sometimes just breath. On the other hand, I've never in my life had so many terrifying thoughts fill my brain about what could possibly happen to her or what I would do if I ever lost her. It's probably the widest array of emotions I've ever experienced.

It makes me wonder why God would choose to give us the experience of parenthood in life. Why couldn't children just grow on trees like fruit? Why choose to have us birth them, giving us such an overwhelming responsibility? I mean, we're shaping the future of this little child. Our weaknesses and frailties can cause this little person to grow up in a particular way. Or they could forever impact the way she sees and reacts to things. I mean, I could really screw this up! Each day, how I live my life is on display by watching eyes and listening ears that sink into a mental sponge. Am I filling that sponge with the things of God? Am I acting in ways that reflect God's nature to her? One of my greatest fears is seeing her inherit my sins and weaknesses because I wouldn't allow God to change my stubborn heart.

Oh God, fill up all the pot-holes in my life that expose attitudes and ways of life that are so contrary to Your own. If only to allow my daughter to have the chance of seeing You work in me and of knowing Your ways more truthfully.