Remembering

I decided to start a notebook this morning of the things God has done for me. You see, I struggle with anxiety at times. While God has recently healed me of this (that's another story), I still have some "walking out" to do in this area of my life. After so many years of living under oppression, my thoughts tend to automatically sway in that direction. So the Holy Spirit is gently teaching me how to redirect those thoughts and learn to be a new person - a whole person.

So what brought the notebook on? Well, my dog is dying. I got Knightly six years ago at the pound. He's a feisty little silky terrier. For a while he was my life. I had moved to a new town, all by myself, didn't know anyone and he was my only companion. I don't make friends very easily, and so he was the one I spent time with each night when I'd come home from work to a lonely apartment. I adored the little guy. Fast forward a few years, I'm now married and we recently had our first child - a four month old daughter. Unfortunately, over the years as those changes have transpired, the little guy has fallen down a little more, and a little more on my priority list. He's no longer the top guy in my life. He's, well ... a dog. I feel really guilty for this. I used to spend so much time with him, just loving on him. Now it's hard to find time to just pet him.

Four nights ago he got sick. He threw up all night long. We waited a couple of days thinking he'd get over it. But when we took him to the vet, they wanted between $600-$1000 to do surgery on him to remove part of a blocked intestine. Well, needless to say, we don't have that kind of money to put out on a dog - even if he is my little champ. So we brought him home and are trying our best to take care of him, all the while praying that the Lord heals him.

This morning I woke up with a nagging drag that has slowly been increasing. As each day inches by, I feel like we're coming closer and closer to his passing. I didn't like that feeling of dread - it's too much like what I have dealt with for so long. So I wanted a boost and decided to start writing down all the times I could remember where God did something BIG in my life. I wanted to remember all that He has done for me, so that I know I can trust Him to do it again. I don't want to watch my dog die - especially a slow, painful death. I have been sick before and haven't been able to eat - it's miserable. So with each passing day that Knightly goes on like this, well ... it's just miserable to watch. So what have I done? I've done the wimpy thing - I've tried not to watch. I've let my husband, mother, and even my brother-in-law do everything. I just can't cope with it. I can't cope with seeing him so sick, feeling his skin and bones. And the not coping takes me back. You see, I did the same thing when my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers. I couldn't cope and just stopped visiting. I'm so ashamed of that, and here I am, trying to cope again.

So this time, I wanted to do something different. Maybe by writing, putting words to a page, I'll be able to heal. Maybe I'll be a little stronger. Maybe I'll remember all that God has done and trust Him a little more - whatever the outcome is. Maybe ...