to Eliyah

As I lie here nursing you, I pray that God carves these precious moments into the stone of my memory forever. Your huge eyes looking up at me in such wonderment. Your lips forming into that slight smile. You are my favorite thing to wake up to, your eyes wide and encompassing most of your face. Your gurgles and laughs are our favorite things to hear. There is no better sound on this earth. No beautifully composed music can compare.

But at the same time, my heart breaks. You will not forever remain this innocent and pure - so untouched by the hurts of this world. How I want to wrap you up in this moment, never letting it pass us by. Never letting the pain that will inevitably enfold you dare approach. Never letting the darkness dare encroach your sunshine. Never letting your continual smile to drop into anything else but laughter. I want these moments to never end. I never want you to experience the heartbreak and darkness this world has to offer and that have almost swallowed me at times.

"Oh Lord, can't I wrap her in this exact moment to keep her protected and safe! I never want her tears to run outside nap times and meal times. I want to forever be able to whisk her up into my arms and feel her small body's warmth close to mine. I want to forever be able to wipe every tear away by my embrace. I want to forever squelch any cry by the simplicity of nursing. I want to forever be her world."

Alas, God has many things to teach you. Through the pain and darkness He will allow you to grow. My tears at the mere thought cannot stop them. But I will be here beside you through each one. I will love you and always be willing to whisk you back into my arms without a thought. You are my precious daughter. My precious gift.

"Oh Lord, be merciful and kind to her. Into Your hands we commit her."

But this is a fleeting moment and for the time being, we will revel in the enjoyment of you. Continuing to pray that they are forever etched into our memory!